The Culture of Love?

Why did heartbreak hurt me so?

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about love and relationships. I am not sure I should say “lately,” because in a way, I’ve always thought about these issues a lot, even as a child. Yet, I have never been the kind of person who hops from relationship to relationship or contrives to make people fall for me.

When I was a teen, I always found myself “feeling in love” though, and of course, I never loved people I could actually be with. I have “loved” one of my professors, and the best-looking boy in high school and a few men who were older than me. I remember asking my mother why I could not have a boyfriend or a girlfriend as the other kids at school did. Her answer was quite simple, but I think she was right and only formulated a truth I already knew but did not want to see. She said: “That’s because you’re not in love with anyone. What you love is the idea of love.”

It was easier then to be in love with love than to actually try and be in a real relationship. There would be no rejection and no pain. I could create all these beautiful stories inside my head, and no one could ever take them away from me because I was in control. But then, one day, I really did fall in love, with a girl. And it hurt. I fell in love again, with another girl. And it hurt more. And then again – and on the moment I felt my heart crack open and shatter that time, I thought I would die. This is not just a frozen, cliché image. My heart was pounding; I had shivers down my spine; I could not eat, could not sleep, could hardly breathe…

Heartbreak.jpg

At that point, my only thought was “Don’t be fooled dear, there is no such thing as LOVE.” So I started reflecting on the idea of love once again. What was it that had made me so dreadfully hurt? What could possibly have caused such intense suffering? I am happy when I am alone. I don’t feel the need to have a lover or to experience these fluttery feelings you get when you first meet someone. I do not crave it. So what was it? Was it my pride that had been wounded? Was it the idea that our culture imposes on us that if you do not have a fulfilled love life you have accomplished virtually nothing, even if you are successful at work and have good friends because our society seems to tell us we must have it all? EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING? Or was it so painful because even though I did not need my lover, I actually had made a conscious choice to be with her? I just wanted to be with her and share with her?

The pride issue I think I have resolved. Of course, I am not a perfect angel of selflessness and disinterestedness, so yes, my pride must have been hurt a little bit. I guess that is just natural. What really hurt me though was being told that I was perfect and still losing the one person I loved so dearly. How could I be “perfect” and still not enough? How could perfect be discarded so easily and so quickly? It took me back to my own childhood fears, when my mother told me, even as I got straight As, that I could do better. That when I was naturally kind and loving, I was told that my love was not there or was not real. That my kindness and generosity were a social manipulation. That I was only good because I wanted  people to love me because I did not love myself at all. That all this so-called perfection was either fake or still not enough. I felt worthless and started questioning who I was and whether striving to be the best person you could possibly be (because I don’t think I’m perfect. No one is. And I don’t want to be perfect) was actually worth it.

When the rush of emotion had washed away a little, I came to the conclusion that I should not let my pain harden me into becoming a more selfish and nastier person though. Then, I would actually hate myself as I would not be respecting any of my personal beliefs.

So I wondered about the other questions. Yes, society wants us to have it all; and our culture sells us a image of love that is all passion and thrill without pausing to consider what love is. Love seems to have become just another product we want to consume. Of course, that is not how everyone sees it – I personally don’t and many of my friends do not either – but it tends to be presented in that way very often. Just think about all the love quotes on the internet!

And finally, there was the difference between needing and wanting. No, I did not need my lover to be happy. When I met her, I even knew being with her would probably mean problems and drama and hurt because I could feel she was troubled. And I was right. Still, I chose to stay because I loved her and I wanted to be with her, and I was ready to accept her for who she was, with the good and the bad because relationships are not just about the thrill, they’re about building something. One of my friends told me that you do not find the love of your life, you create it. And I think she’s right, so perhaps the grief of heartbreak was only enhanced by the feeling that the safe place I was trying to build for us together with her was being torn apart. It felt like watching my favorite poem or the painting I liked the most burning away. And it reminded me of all the hurt in the world that we cannot control – all the destruction… So I thought to myself: “the world is already so full of weeping, why would anyone want to add to it? Why generate devastation when you can build beauty?”

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But perhaps I am too much of an idealist and an optimist… And I know that the heart wants what it wants. It can’t be helped, but still, I’d like to hold on to these ideals.

Sorry about this terribly long post… I hope you enjoy it! Thanks to anyone reading  💙

Have a wonderful day,

Love,

Sacha

Sunshine Blogger Award

      In this post, I would like to thank TheWorldIsNotAgainstMe and The Passionate Dreamer for nominating me to the Sunshine Blogger Award. As you both gave me a set of questions, I will answer both successively 🙂 I hope you enjoy reading!

Rules:

  • Thank the person who nominated you in the blog post.
  • Answer the 11 questions set by the person who nominated you.
  • Nominate 11 blogs to receive the award and write them 11 new questions to answer.

Questions from TheWorldIsNotAgainstMe

1.Favourite song?
I feel like this is a very difficult question to answer, but I guess the one song I always find myself going back to is probably When, by Elysian Fields.

2. Most embarrassing moment?
Hum… I’ve had quite a few, but one day last month I was in class and had to make voices (it was a voice class…) and no sound came out. I was just standing there with everyone staring at me. I felt so very dumb… (a word quite on point too haha).

3. Celebrity crush?
Why are all these questions sooooo hard? Ok, so my male celebrity crush is definitely Reeve Carney, because he must be the most beautiful (yes, beautiful and not attractive or handsome) man I have ever seen. His face is pretty much perfect ^^. My female celebrity crush would be… perhaps Lily Collins. She’s so very cute and I love her Instagram account. It’s always creative and thoughtful!

4. If you could change one thing about the world, what would you change?
If I could change one thing, I think I would make it a kinder place. I truly believe that if people were simply kind to one another instead of constantly judging, criticizing and competing, the world would be a much better place. I know it’s a little cliché and naive, but I stand by my choice.

5. If you could spend a day as someone else, whom would you chose(and why)?
Not sure… But I guess I’d like to be a person in a different country, like India, Japan or Ethiopia so I could see how they view the world from an intellectual, cultural, relational, social… point of view so I could broaden my horizons.

6. Do you believe in aliens? Why?
It seems strange to me that we should be alone in the universe, but then it’s hard to know. I do believe in fairies and sprites though!

7. The happiest moment in your life?
Strangely, I would say it was the day when my best friend took me to the sea in the middle of a snow storm. I was having a very hard time and to be near the sea on that very moment lifted the veil of my sorrow. I could have stayed there for hours.

8. If you could watch only one movie for the rest of your lives, which movie would you pick?
Bright Star. No hesitation. John Keats is my favourite poet and the film is so aesthetically beautiful that I don’t think I could ever get tired of it.

9. Current obsession?
The little cat ears my little brother bought for me. I’m wearing them all the time when I am home haha ^^

10. One fact about you which others may find surprising?
I think the lyrics to Justin Bieber’s songs Love Yourself and Sorry are actually quite deep 😀

11. Why did you start blogging?
My best friend told me it would be a good idea for me to start blogging and I am glad I listened to her, because the community is awesome and it helps me be more consistent with writing and painting.

Questions from The Passionate Dreamer:

1.Dream job
Being a writer and painter, and I mean someone who can actually earn a living doing so. It’s been my dream ever since I was a little girl so… maybe one day?

2. What would you do if you accidently come across your ex?
I only have two and I see them all the time. They’re my friends, so I guess just be friendly?

3. What does your name mean?
My first name is Laure-Hélène, which means “laurel tree” and “sunshine.” Quite flattering I guess 🙂

4. What makes you happy the most?
To see the people I love thrive and be happy in their lives.

5. If you were 100% sure that you won’t fail, what would you do?
I would stop working and become a full time artist and writer. For sure.

6. If you could be one age for the rest of your life, what would it be?
25. You are still young and full of energy, but you are more mature than you were when you were younger, both physically and mentally and you still have room for improvement too!

7. Do you have any regrets in life? If yes, what?
Not really. Everything happens for a reason and there’s no time for regrets. They only make you bitter.

8. What is your zodiac sign?
Aquarius and lovin’ it ^^

9. What kind of people irritates you the most?
People who assume they are better than everybody else and despise others. And hypocrites. I like honesty and modesty, even though saying that may make me sound conceited…. I hope it doesn’t.

10. Do you believe in luck?
I do. Sometimes, things happen without any logical explanation… You just get lucky.

11.Which celebrity do you admire the most and why?
I don’t know… Probably Toni Morrison. Her novels and works in general are very insightful, beautiful and spread essential messages around the world. She’s the bomb!

 

Now come my nominations!! (It’s hard, because I don’t know very many people here…)

Siobhan Tebbs
The Passionate Dreamer
TheWorldIsNotAgainstMe
Basant She
jicchaanxi
Nicholas Conley
Artingaway
mariarizzasuarez
Only in Dreams
https://natalieslovelyblog.com/
http://in-a-reverie.com/

… And the questions!

  1. What are your zodiac and chinese zodiac signs?
  2. What is the aim of your blog?
  3. If you could be a magical creature, which one would you be?
  4. What is your favourite book or who is your favourite writer?
  5. Do you believe in love?
  6. What is your favourite flower?
  7. If you could visit any country, which one would it be?
  8. Hot cocoa, tea or coffee?
  9. Would you prefer to live by the sea or in the mountains?
  10. What is your chocolate of choice?
  11. How would you define art?

Don’t forget to comment with a link to your post if you choose to answer! I’d be really happy to see what you replied!

Love to all,

Sacha ♥