I speak volumes

H_orig_false_malachite_butterfly_gal.jpg

I have come to terms with the fact that I cannot stop overthinking. I used to be thinking all the time – there it was, the unending flow of words, sentences and ideas, images sometimes, thoughts rushing so fast I could barely keep up. It still happens to me everyday, but at least it isn’t stopping me from enjoying life anymore. I do not overanalyze and observe every single little detail anymore. Or at least, I don’t do it so much that I cannot entertain a simple conversation or activity.

My thoughts are not as dark as they used to be either. But… I still feel bugged. It seems to me I speak volumes, and I think volumes, but I cannot feel satisfied because I don’t act enough. Mahatma Gandhi once said: “Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony.”

Happiness.jpg

The harmony between the do and the say/think association doesn’t even come close to being realized in me. I keep thinking and saying: I’ll write in my blog once or twice a week; I’ll read more books; I’ll complete a painting every week and draw a little bit every day; I’ll

make sure to write some poetry or prose each day so I can complete my art and writing projects; I’ll be hard-working and study well to make sure I make my PhD dissertation the best I can make it… I think all these things. I say them too.

I envision my life and my sense of self would be like and how I could, most importantly, help others in any sort of way by achieving all these goals, by making all these dreams come true… But, happiness set aside, what makes the difference between a successful writer or artist and a would-be artist or writer if not the “doing”?

I don’t want to become bitter over time, thinking of myself as some sort of failure because I simply haven’t got myself to do what I dreamt of. I don’t want to wake up one day and realize that all my dreams have passed me by. I don’t want to let the fear of failure and rejection stop me. I don’t want to let the remnants of my depressions tug at me and chain me, so they can take hold of me again.

I have made progress though… I do not seclude myself as much as I used to, and thanks to that, I have met my wonderful girlfriend. But now, I need to find the drive and dedication. I want what is swirling inside of me to be fully realized on the outside too. I wish not to only speak volumes, I want to create volumes!

Adrift, a Dream

Not sure I want to see

Being neither moored
Nor steered.
Closing broken doors
On fears
I am
Drifting

Pools of neon lights
Made me
Cringe into delight
Scared me…
And I
Am loose

Books are piling up.
The dust,
Now, is filling up
The room –
Am I
Adrift?

Open one of them –
You’re done –
Peace and war poems
They sung
Voices
Of loss.

Sending thoughts to float
Across
Spaces far remote
I toss
And turn
Adrift
Un-lost.

Bitterness blinds the wings of dragonflies.

The Wings of Dragonflies

The heavy bass resonates in the room
Pressures her skin out of reach
Rings and repeats
Tight and taunting
Tauten the noose to her heart’s screech.

The chocolate spreads velvet smells in the room
Becomes bitter on the tongue
Melts and parches
Thirst and patches
Of dry, gasping dreams gone too long.

Bitterness radiates from her lips
Liquefies the sensation of her eyes
From her ears into her hands, it drips
Blinding the wings of dragonflies.

 

 

PS: In Japanese culture, the dragonfly is a symbol of joy and rebirth, among other things.

Healing Yourself – The Value of Playing

We go about our daily lives – working, speaking, sleeping, eating, thinking, working some more. And when we do not work, how we worry about tomorrow’s tasks ahead! What about that deadline getting closer? Or that meeting we yet have to prepare for? Work, taxes, money issues, the trifles of the day, the burdens of the night, and the old memories of wounds we believed had closed that keep coming back to us in dreams, and the one negative thought that triggers a train of associations sending some of us spiraling down, down, and further down… That is when you are looking  at your own personal life only, the life we get caught up with, sometimes forgetting to look outside ourselves and beyond.

My girlfriend, my wonderful, complex, curious, clever, beautiful and funny, but terribly anxious girlfriend, knows all too well what it feels like to be overwhelmed by her own thoughts, and to become trapped inside her mind. The best I can do to soothe her is give and show her love – and I have plenty to give her. But there’s something else that we love to do to heal our nerve-wracked minds – we simply just play!

Friendly January.jpg

We are adults – young adults for sure, but still, we are supposed to be grown-ups. We have teaching jobs that place us in a position of responsibility towards teenagers and still we find ourselves playing like little children all the time. When we went to Auvergne together, we tried going to the top of a mountain, but had to stop halfway up the road because the wind was too strong and we couldn’t see anything for all the snow that was flying and dancing in the sky. So we made our way to the foot of the mountain again, but made a pause on the way to do a snowball battle and to run in the fields. We did it again the next day, and we had fun in the swimming-pool at our hotel. There was an older couple there who looked at us tenderly, probably thinking we were quite a bit younger than we actually are.

But the games that we play – the real, innocent, funny games that we play together – make us laugh; they keep us smiling and feeling alive and happy. Adults tend to stop playing – or perhaps they start to believe that it is no longer for them; maybe some of them even forget how it feels to have childish fun – but there is no better cure for dispassion and sorrow than a good laugh. Playing triggers the imagination and lets your soul rise and shine.

Playing is living differently for a few moments, with different rules.

Playing is reuniting with your inner child. The one who is still there, holding on to your dreams, believing, always, that you can make it.

Playing is healing your soul and and soothing your heart. 

So go out and play… Go out and heal yourselves!

Love,

Sacha 🌟💙

Thoughts about teaching :)

It’s been a long time that I haven’t written. I was too busy working and worrying about how my students are progressing or not. I also had some time to think about my own way of teaching and TEACHING in general. I came to the conclusion that was is important in teaching is WHAT YOU […]

via SOME THOUGHTS ABOUT TEACHING — WELCOME TO OUR ENGLISH CLASS WORDPRESS

To anyone interested in teaching, I strongly suggest you read this beautiful manifest of love from a teacher (who I love dearly) to her students and herself!

Changes

I am back! Looking through my blog, I am realizing that it has almost been two months exactly since I last posted an article here, which might make it seem as though I had given up on the resolutions I had set for myself in Magic Number Ten. Such is not the case though!

First and foremost, I wanted to thank everyone who has followed this blog, commented on posts or liked them in the past year. It means a lot to me and if I can spread the slightest bit of joy, warmth, help or even beauty into the world thanks to what I paint, draw or write, then I am happy.

The past two months have brought a lot of changes into my life. I was quite busy teaching and thinking about the direction I wanted my life to take. I travelled to Auvergne, in the mountains  and sleeping volcanoes of the centre part of France, and I moved into my very own little flat. I also discovered meditation, which has been very helpful. It proved a perfect way to start heal some old wounds and clear a number of blockages that kept me from moving forward. At first, it felt like an explosion, or rather, an implosion that I gave colour to.

Implosion

Now, I am a lot calmer and driven. I could always feel, deep down, that living in a place of my own would improve my mood and concentration because I would feel much freer, but I was far from imagining how true it was. As I am presently almost done arranging the flat, I want to take up the list I had written two months ago.

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”
Mahatma Gandhi

Restless musings

IMG_7965.jpeg

Restless musings
No calm of thought
Body – distraught
Endless callings…
Out!
They have no form
Yet –

Music echoes
Down on my cheeks
Melody flows
As my heart speaks
Out
Into the storm
Wet

The waves rushing
To the calm shore
Of my longing
To express more…
Still,
They have no form
Yet.

Restlessness… Agitation… Unrest… Continuous movement of the mind… musing… calm… quiet… meditation…

I cannot pacify the raving storm of my thoughts, and yet, I am collected and content. Old convictions come to be re-placed and re-shaped…Newer ones develop. The ideas will not stop rushing, and gushing, but they are not ready to take form… That is where the anxiety lies – ideas, like golden birds, are waiting to take flight…

Magic Number Ten

Time flies… Benjamin Franklin said that “time lost is never found again,” and one day, I know I will wake up realising that my life is coming to an end. The thought doesn’t make me feel depressed or sad at all, but when that day comes, I do not want to tell myself that I simply let life pass me by without ever making a single one of my dreams come true or any of my passions fully come alive. That’s why this year, I want to try and concentrate on ten things that I really want to do. I am not pressuring myself into making it all happen, but I want to at least try.

Then, ten is a good number to start a cycle with. In number symbolism, it represents completion and is related to the earth. It is also the basis upon which we created our counting circle.

I hope that next year, if I look back to this post, I can proudly say that I made it, with the help of magic number ten 🙂

Side Gaze.jpg

  1. Spend more quality time with my loved ones.
  2. Paint once a week
  3. Write more poetry
  4. Work on my dissertation more
  5. Travel
  6. Practice drawing everyday
  7. Finish writing the stories I started
  8. Read more
  9. Start studying Russian again
  10. Blog more often and post my artworks

 

No more looking to the side now, I’ll look straight ahead!