Sunflowers

Time’s passed and I’ve never met a friend like you. Sometimes, I miss you still. I miss you now when so many new things are happening, when I want to learn more about gardening, when I want to reconnect with my Jewish and Slavic roots, when I want to see your vibrant energy, when I want to be open and carefree, when I am at a stalemate and I need to talk because you were challenging and you forced me out of my comfort zone. I miss you when I choose gemstones and think of making things. I miss you when I feel ungrounded. There’s only one other person in the world I can speak to as easily as I talked to you, and I am grateful and lucky that she is by my side every day. I love her – my love, my romantic partner, my dearest friend, the sunshine that brightens up my days, the one person that makes everything a tad bit easier.

I am happy. There’s so much you’ve taught me that’s helped me build this life for myself, with my cats and my dogs, and the love of my life who is all I could have ever wished for in a girlfriend. I wish you knew each other and were friends. I wish you both told me to get a hold of myself and push through when I am too anxious to move. I could see you arguing over the little things and having so much fun. I wish you knew Ina and Samy, and Lisa and I could know your little girl and your dog. Drinking lattes in the sun and hiking in the woods, playing around with paint and pearls and dancing to music in the house. Sharing secrets, growing, healing, blossoming. Or perhaps I don’t remember how it was and I’m only left with the good part. I like it better this way. I like remembering the aura I perceived and believed in so strongly. I must have hurt you in so many ways. Ir perhaps that’s giving myself too much value. I don’t know. I don’t care. If I hurt you then, I am deeply sorry. I am so very sorry.

I know you’ve blossomed and that’s all that matters now. It seems you are where you had always wanted to be and I am glad that you are. No. I am happy and sincerely proud of you for making it because you deserve that kind of happiness and love. You’ve always gone straight for the dream, which, you know, you were right about all along. If you don’t chase them, you’ll never catch them, right? There is so much you were right about and I want to thank you for showing me the way. Thank you for reminding me, every day, that we are all allowed to follow our dreams. Thank you for showing me you can actually make it if you work hard and if you dare to ask. Thank you for teaching me about crystals. Thank you for reminding me that there was a light inside of me when I could not see it. Thank you for the late night talks and for showing me friendship could be just that beautiful. Thank you for talking to me that day, far in the past. Thank you for being my friend once. I hope you are happy, and you are fulfilled and full of all the love you deserve.

Change

Apparently, Leo Tolstoy once said: “Everyone thinks about changing the world, but no one thinks about changing himself.” I’ve always wanted to change the world – not in the sense that I thought I’d be some kind of superheroine, but ever since I was a little child, I’ve felt there was something we were doing wrong, something I didn’t quite like. I wanted to do things differently, with more kindness and more empathy. I had some very serious dreams about the benefits of communal living and of the magic power of friendship. I still believe all of that is true, and that there lies a solution to many of this world’s woes.

The problem is… I haven’t seen much of it happening; if anything, it sometimes feels as though the more progress we do make, the more some people try and rise against the progress that’s been made to take apart social reform. I really hoped I wouldn’t live to see a war break out in Europe again… I really hoped that far right movements across the world would become weaker rather than stronger… And there’s the environment and the climate, and… I don’t even even want to make a list of all the things that weigh me down that I don’t have any sort of control over. On top of that came quite a bit of questioning about what I really wanted to do and who I wanted to be, what my dreams were, what my priorities should be, questions like : “How can you be an good activist when you get crippled by anxiety?” or “Should I just give up being a poet and artist altogether or should I keep it as a hobby at least?” or “Should I get a different job or should I keep the one I have now?” Honestly, there were more. Many more. Too many. Anxiety-thought jumble-thought race many.

Yet, as I was scrolling down my Instagram thread one day, some time after I had watched Glow‘s character Ruth be told that she was basically a failure who would never make her dream come true because if it had been meant to happen, it would have already happened by then, and had also realized that Alice Oseman, aged 27, had already published about 5 good novels and a graphic novel, it dawned on me that I had to change myself before I could change anything about the world. There I was, feeling sorry for myself, envious of people who were making it as artists and writers (which is not a feeling I am actually very familiar with – I tend to be happy about the success of others) because they were actually working hard to get where they were while I was not doing anything. I was ridden with anxiety and self-loathing, unable to feel much at all, and I was doing – nothing. Nothing at all.

This is why I am here today. This is a step towards changing myself. A call to action. A call to creation. Because I want to be better, and I don’t want to let dreams wither, and I want to be part of the change that I want to see in the world. Do you?

Laure-Helene 🌙💫✨